pepper's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] pepper [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

(3 said something | speak) you know who i mean [30 Jul 2005|09:23pm] All of these entries are ancient, don't bother.

(speak) [26 Jan 2005|01:48am] I'm afraid I don't really keep up with journals anymore, this one or any other one. I really want to redo my site, though. I want to get back in the swing of things.

(speak) drenched in blue [30 Jul 2004|08:19pm] Christ in hell, it took ten minutes for that last entry to go through. Stupid wireless internet. I'm at Jesse's, so the entry won't be that long... I just.. I don't know what I'm doing in this relationship. I spend half the time feeling euphoric and the other half wishing I had never heard the name "Jesse". It's difficult to be with someone who is better at everything than me. Better looking, more intelligent, better background, better "social status", more motivated, more ambitious, blah blah blah. I'm not saying that to be self deprecating.. I don't put much stock in "background".. your family doesn't matter, you do. And I'm a smart, cute girl. But Jesse is stunning and brilliant. It's really hard for me to relax around him when I am always wondering when he's going to wake up and realize I'm beneath him in every way that counts. Though he has his flaws.. His jealousy and that volatile temper of his, his incessant need to say the most hurtful things ever.. He almost says worse things to me than Joshua did. Ugh. But, that's when he's pissed off and hurt and feels compelled to retaliate. One overlooks these things if there are extenuating circumstances... He just... I always have one foot out the door. I can't even give him.. He wants something from me that I don't know how to give, I think. We're so different. He's very traditional, he's very conservative. He's twenty six, he's got less than two years left of college.. His life goal is to be wealthy, to get married, to provide for his family.. He thinks a wife should stay home and raise the kids until they're school aged, at least... Well, that may be so, but being coddled like a precious little egg that could break at any second never did much for building character. Maybe I'm biased, but it's such a select few people who live "perfect" lives and still turn out to be interesting. I still haven't put in my application for JCC. I *have* to do this by Monday so I can get admitted and take the COMPASS test before the registration deadline!! I want to get in school by the fall, for fuck's sake. That means I won't graduate for probably three years after that, and the LAST fucking thing I want to do right out of college is HAVE KIDS! Getting married, I could see, but kids? No. Vacations, yes. Establishing my career, yes. Living life as an actual adult for a while, yes. Giving life to new people before I have fully had a chance to live my own?? NO! Everyone keeps asking when I'm going to have kids... Jesse's best friend recently became engaged to his girlfriend of four years, and he was talking shit about how Jesse and I are next, and then kids... GAH! I said I didn't want kids for several years, and he reminded me that I don't have all that much time. I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME??? What the fuck?? I'm twenty fucking three!! OK, FINE, I turn twenty four this month, and believe me, I am NOT looking forward to it ONE BIT. But still, I didn't know my eggs would ROT after age twenty eight. Forgive me, I missed that day in biology class. I'm so SICK of all this PRESSURE! It makes me do nothing. I am standing as still as I was a year ago when I wrote these very similar words. God, when will I shape up? Oh, and I learned how to vomit my food up easily. This girl Laura taught me how. I can't believe I used Ipecac all that time when it was so easy! I'm not going to tell how, in case there are any aspiring bulimics out there looking for tips. But it's easy, and I do it sometimes when I eat too much, and so what. Every other aspect of my life sucks, my health might as well suck, too. I wish I could just let all these inhibitions and fears GO and enjoy life, enjoy my youth, my freedom, my time with a wonderful guy who seems to care about me... ... But I can't. :/

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]